As I sang these words in the Sunday worship service, my heart cried out in agreement. I DO want my trust to be without boundaries, my faith to be strong enough to walk on water - yet as soon as I said it, I cringed.
I thought of the scripture from which this song is inspired:
I am reminded of what I read in a book not long ago. That sometimes when we are in the darkest place we have ever been, and feel that God is no where in sight, we've simply been hidden in the cleft of a rock while God passes by, because no one can look on His full glory and live. (Exodus 33:17-23)
I can look back and see God hovering full over me in the months of leanness after three different layoffs, or the year following the stillbirth of our baby. He was there in the pain and the struggle. I knew it.
Truth be told, I still don't like pain - even if it means seeing God.
I guess that what I want is to have TRUST
...but with the borders of comfort - - like knowing that there will be enough money to cover the bills and buy groceries.
I want to have FAITH
...but not have to step out of the boat into a deep, stormy sea with waves crashing over my head and use it.
I don't want the sea billows to roll. I want it to be well with my circumstances - not just well with my soul.
But I also want to see God.
It has always bothered me that Jesus seems to rebuke Peter for having such small faith, yet Peter was the only one who had faith enough to step out of the boat - the others did not even attempt it. I thought of the time when the disciples could not cast out a demon and asked him why.
We need to see His presence in the little things in order to trust Him in the bigger things. The disciples had already begun to suspect that something was different about Jesus. They had just watched him feed 5000 people with a child's lunch box. But it took this storm. This walking on water. For them to say, "Truly You are the Son of God!"