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One morning on the Today Show (March 4th), they had a segment in which they showed how some businesses are doing an extreme type of team building exercise. They send them into a simulator for an airplane crash into the ocean. The co-workers must then follow a series of survival techniques which they have been taught prior to entering the simulator, and must work together to ensure that all lives on their team are saved. It is a unique bonding experience, to say the least.

In a "healthy living" class that I am taking at the hospital in which I work, the topic turned to "emotional eating" (the idea that if I am feeling sad, lonely, depressed, etc., food will make me feel better just as it does when I am hungry).
One of the things that the teacher said was that we live in a culture of "instant gratification" to the point that we are unwilling to endure any discomfort (including uncomfortable feelings) so we attempt to get immediate relief any way that we can - including ways that are not helpful for solving the problem.

For the past few days, my mind has been applying those words to the sad state of marriages in our society today.

Around Valentine's Day, my husband and I attended a one day marriage conference that one of our pastors and his wife teach in our church every year. At the outset he read a story about making our lives "beautiful-er" instead of "better." The author defines "better" as a check list, so to speak, of accomplishments. He then admonished the readers to make our lives "beautiful-er." Not just "playing the right notes," but playing them with life, sensitivity to the nuances of the piece, with feeling!

For the past three weeks this has been in my mind, and has governed all of my interactions with my husband.

I love him.

I LIKE him.

He is a precious treasure to me...

Therefore, I want to treat him as though he were valued.

It seems so obvious, and yet, throughout our churches, and all across our culture, marriages and families are disintegrating.  Why? It comes back to the philosophy of instant gratification and the inability to tolerate any kind of discomfort.

We all want a beautiful marriage, but we think that "if it is true love, then it should be easy." That is a lie from hell, but I cannot tell you haw many times I have heard those exact words or similar phrases from the mouths of those in difficult marriages.

If you have ever read this blog before, you know that I define love as "doing what is best for another person at my own expense." I get this definition directly from scripture:

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 NIV

Or in the words of an elderly gentleman to my friend when asked the secret of his long marriage, "Love them the most when they deserve it the least."

And:

13 NIV

When we say our wedding vows, we are so happy with each other that somehow we delude ourselves into thinking that there won't be any "sickness, poorer, and worse." Laying down my life does not mean saying, "I would die for you." It means actually living my life for someone.

So...

What does all of this "enduring" and "laying down my life" have to do with having a more beautiful marriage?

Think about this: we often talk about how we want a closer relationship with God. But HOW do I get closer to Him?

I guarantee that the surest way is through PAIN.

Wait a  minute!!

Through PAIN!?!?!

Who wants to go through pain to get closer to God?

No one does. Yet when we are forced into a place of pain, and we can find no way of escape..

We run to God...

Cling to Him....

Know that we NEED Him.

We discover that the only place we can find rest from our troubled soul - is with Him...

THAT is the point at which we begin to truly have a relationship with Him.

It forces a closer bond with Him - just like those co-workers relying on each other to survive the simulated place crash.

When things are going well in my life... When I feel in control... Comfortable... When I am not feeling pressed on all sides...
I am sad to say that I do not run to Him.
I do not press myself right up against Him. My relationship with Him is, well,

PALE

compared to times when I have felt desperate. The time in my life when I felt the closest to God was right after my baby died. And, even though I would not wish the experience on anyone, I would not take it back for myself because that closeness to God - that absolute confidence that He was with me - was worth the pain!

It's the same way with marriage. The hardships that we endure force a stronger bond between us.

This year I read the book that my Aunt and Uncle wrote about him being the only survivor of a plane crash, the many-months-long struggle through rehabilitation, and the emotional trauma that followed. Walking through this traumatic experience fused their hearts together.

I think of many other long-lasting marriages in my family.

An Aunt who patiently cares for my Uncle at home as he has struggled for many years with Alzheimer's.

 My own parents who have pressed through my Mom's cancer, my Dad's stroke and heart attack, and many other things over the years.

My inlaws, both sets of grandparents, Aunts and Uncles on both sides of our family...
All 40, 50, and 60 year marriages that are in different stages of becoming "more beautiful-er."

This is the kind of beautiful-er marriage that I want...

I had appointments in town yesterday and, though I don't usually stop anywhere to eat when I am out and about, I was so hungry that I took the time to sit down in a café and grab a salad.

The two women in the booth next to mine were discussing their husbands. Since I was alone, and had no one to converse with, I could not avoid overhearing their many complaints. One of them was especially disparaging.

Her husband did not plan his next business trip the way she would have done it. She has to rag on him to do the most menial tasks. After they had moved in together, she had to cajole him to finish his degree. He does not eat often enough, or at the right times. He does appreciate exercise the way she does....

After listening to this "lovely" conversation for a while, she bowled me over by announcing to her friend that she had informed him that he had better not say anything [about her role in the struggles of their marriage?] to her because she is so desirable that she could find someone to replace him in no time flat. She could have someone new in her bed by that very night, in fact!

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I had heard more than enough. I wanted to lean over the partition and tell her that she is no great catch, and that any new man that she could hook would soon learn to regret it.

Instead, I disposed of the rest of my salad and left.

"What happened?" I wondered to myself as I walked to my car. There must have been a time when she thought the world began and ended with this man, yet now she had nothing but vitriol for him.

I continued to mull over it as I drove home. It occurred to me that this may be a fleeting emotion - maybe they'd just had a big fight and she was venting her frustrations to her friend without thinking about how powerful words are, and that they have a lasting effect on others.

I thought back to a time in my own marriage when I had to learn this lesson the very hardest way. We had hit a rough patch in our marriage and I blamed him. I had a good friend at the time whom I called nearly every day.

Each day, the conversation would deteriorate into a one-sided husband bashing, and each day she would try to encourage me to do what was right... to obey scripture... to try something new to make a difference.

I was full of excuses for why I could not improve my marriage - I had tried this or that (probably only for a minute) and it had not worked. Besides, it was all his fault anyway!

After weeks of listening to me count and recount my husband's many faults (how did she endure it?), she said, "Why don't you just leave him?"

I was shocked! That is not what I wanted to hear!
I still wanted my marriage, this man - but I was unwilling to take responsibility for MY part in the problem and fix it. She had made many good suggestions as she tried to help me understand that I can only control ME.

I could not change what my husband said or did, but I COULD change what I said or did.

How I would respond.

How I would love.

How I would serve (and with what attitude).

I had ALL of the power concerning whether or not I even LIKED him.

It took me a while to catch on to all of this - but one change I made right away: I stopped complaining.

Yep. That was it. The very first change.

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It was like a mirror had been held up to my heart with her question, and I finally saw all of the ugliness that had been lurking there, and understood that I needed to stop up the flow of these caustic words.

Most women do not marry men that we don't LIKE to begin with - yet somehow, along the way, we loose sight of the very things we liked about the man in the first place!
I think that is just one of the reasons we are exhorted in scripture to control our thoughts:

  "...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

 "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8(NLT)

So Ladies (and Gents, if you're prone to complaining), the next time you open your mouth to speak a word...
out loud...
that, once spoken, can never be retracted...
close your mouth quickly and think: 
 "Is what I am about to say really true?"
"Is what I am about to say going to bring honor or dishonor to my spouse (or to me by saying it)?"
"Is what I am about to say the right word to edify the hearers in this moment?"

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 NIV

"Is what I am about to say going to paint a lovely word picture, or an ugly one?"


"Is what I am about to say going to cause the hearer to admire my spouse more? Or less?"
"Is what I am about to say excellent and full of praise?"
...
Years have passed (we are celebrating 19 years next month!), and we have hit several more rough patches, but one of the things that I have been learning is to zip my lip. I have tried to talk to other Godly women when we have struggled, but I continue to feel as though the speaking of negative words - even toward someone who is plugged in to God - casts a shadow over their perception of him later on.

The best thing that I'm discovering is this: when I talk only to God about it, often the frustrations are resolved within a few days, but without the lasting effect of the word spoken to another in a moment of anger.

It is paying off.

I am DEFINITELY much more in LIKE with my husband!

"Have you heard of 50 Shades of Grey?" the young, unmarried woman asked me. "A coworker got me started reading them and I can't put them down!" She proceeded to give me a synopsis of the content of the books.

I had heard of them - they were all the rage last summer and I had read several great blog postings by Christian women on the subject, so I was knowledgeable enough to engage in the conversation.

While listening to her recount the story of an emotionally damaged young man who made contracts with young women to allow him to use and abuse them, I began to frantically pray about how to respond. She blushed as she glossed over the abuse, then became animated as she spoke of the young woman who "saved" him from himself by requiring him to treat her with some level of dignity. The book apparently ends with the typical "they got married and lived happily ever after" type of an ending.

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"What happens in a couple of years when a baby comes along and sleep deprivation and lack of available 'couple' time sets in? What if he feels that she is no longer meeting his needs? That the relationship has become boring?" I asked.

I wanted to say, I hate to burst your bubble, sweetheart, but we women can never have enough feminine charms to save a man for good. He might like us enough to change for a while, but it cannot be lasting.  Becoming entangled with a man like that might make you feel like you made a difference, but it would be a victory short lived, and would be followed by a great deal of pain and difficulty. The only thing that could save a man like that is an encounter with God. It would take a complete heart transformation - nothing else would do!

(I know. How annoying to be logical when it feels better to be emotional. Sometimes I must play the devil's advocate and turn it all on it's head! I get it from my mother.)

"He is an adrenaline addict, so he would go right back to his former lifestyle." I added. "He would never be content with a 'vanilla' relationship."

Since that conversation, I've  thought more about this recurring theme:

Vanilla is not good.

I don't know when it became synonymous with all things bland, unexciting, boring...

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I love peaches but, let me tell you, I am not going to reach for mint chocolate chip ice cream or lemon meringue yogurt for my next peach shake or smoothie!

It will be vanilla.

No, vanilla might not be my first choice when we wander into an ice cream shop near the beach, but it certainly would not be my last choice either.

And the last time I checked it was an important ingredient in every recipe that is GOOD!

It is a staple on my grocery list - something I cannot do with out - it's called for in so many things. I even put it in my egg batter for french toast!

Yes. I need vanilla, I LIKE vanilla.

I could not be happy without vanilla.

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I like the vanilla in my love life, too.

There is something reassuring about the ordinariness (is that a word?) of stable, common, everyday love with a stable, reliable, ordinary man. I don't need a whole lot of excitement (I don't think my ticker could take too much - I'm a pretty contemplative person, not very spontaneous).
I don't want to go skydiving, a walk on the beach would do. (No cayenne, just a little cinnamon.)

I like going to bed and waking up with the same man every day.
I like hanging my clothes next to his in the closet.
I like knowing how he likes his coffee, his toast, his eggs...
I like the way he teases the older children and rubs the little ones' feet when they are sleepy...
He knows what kind of soda pop I drink.
He helps around the house when I need it.
He goes to work. He comes home. Always comes home.

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So, you see, while to some people vanilla means dull and boring, unexciting and less-than-thrilling...

to me, it is the most comforting and reliable flavor.

And vanilla love is so good that, even after 17 years, it still makes my heart skip a beat at the sound of my husband's voice.

 I would not trade my vanilla life for all the excitement in the world!



Now THAT is an every day kind of love!

After all of these children moved into my body and made it their home, their moving out has left the dwelling somewhat like a college frat house - a bit untidy, and in a state of disrepair.


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Last year, what had started out as an on-going mild inconvenience, suddenly turned into a full blown problem. Some mornings, the simple act of getting out of the bed was extremely painful, and lifting and carrying a crying child in the middle of the night was completely out of the question!

Most days my back would loosen up enough to allow me to do my job without a great deal of difficulty, other days I had to rely on anti-inflammatory or pain relieving medications to help me through the day. On occasion, I was forced to set aside my to-do list and make a new plan for what I was actually able to accomplish. I definitely have a new compassion for people who live with chronic pain.

I had to start every morning sitting with a heating pad - sometimes for a half-hour, sometimes for more than an hour, while I did my "soul nourishing." At some point, my tiny children would wake up and sit by me while I waited for my back to cooperate. And we cuddled, warm under an afghan, and we talked, and I would smell their heads. So it was not ALL terrible!

I also had to give up exercise completely since that would set me up for a great deal of pain the next morning. I didn't like that last adjustment. I want to be healthy and trim off the extra pounds that those babies left laying around!

After an MRI, I was told that I had significant degeneration in my spine for my age. It would require physical therapy or surgery to correct this.


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 Over the months my husband had watched me grit my teeth some mornings as I inched out of bed, at times sitting right down on the floor to catch my breath and change my posture before trying to stand and walk. He saw me flinch throughout the day if I made just the wrong move and my back complained about it.

One day he announced that he would be ordering a new mattress. An expensive new mattress. One of those mattresses that advertises that it can make a difference for back pain.

He'd been thinking about it and saving up for it for a while.

A loving gesture.

A thoughtful gift.

But this story is about to get ugly.

(You might want to close your eyes.)

At our Valentines dinner my husband gave our children gifts (as he does every year), but there was nothing in the bag for me.

I was calm.
Smiling.
Valentine's day-ish.
But in my heart I was questioning his love for me.

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"Why didn't he get something for me? I am the 'sweetheart' here, not the children, after all!" were the thoughts that plagued my mind the next day as I cried selfish pity-party tears.

Finally, I screwed up the courage and told him that what he had done on Valentine's Day had hurt me deeply.

"What did I do?" he asked incredulously.

I recounted my version of the events.

He was hurt that I had wasted any time thinking that. He explained how he thought that he had made it clear that (hopefully) pain-free sleeping was his gift of love to me at Valentine's Day. He didn't think that I would want candy since I am trying to be more healthy, or the half dead flowers at the grocery store or a cheesy card. He was giving me the best thing he could think of and I had not seen the value that it possessed!

You see, my husband is the kind of man who believes in Living out your Love.

He began to explain his frustration over Valentine's Day, saying that people go out of their way to show love on that one day, when they SHOULD be showing that kind of love all year. He does not value the day because it is nothing more than an ordinary day to him - just another day (like ALL days) to Live out Love.
His love is practical.
It is everyday.
If I say, "My love-tank is feeling a little bit low." He will clean the bathroom or run the vacuum.
This is true love.

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Because, despite which love language you most relate to, what it comes down to is that the essence of love is giving of yourself for someone else.

Love is doing what is best for the other person at my own expense.

 

"Jesus' Birthday is coming, and Santa's gonna bring me presents!" my sweet three year old boy announced with his hands clasped in excitement and a twinkle in his eye. He was sitting at the table while I prepared dinner and listened to my Jesus-Christmas music. One of my children's favorites started playing and it reminded him:



He has been watching for each birthday this year - ever since he learned which sticker was his on the calendar.

Jesus has a Birthday sticker too.

Christmas has been an odd kind of balancing act for me ever since I became a mother with children old enough to care. My husband has wonderful childhood memories of anticipating the arrival of Santa Claus. His parents took special care to make it exciting for the children, even going up on the roof and making noise. He loved that and wants his own children to have the same experiences.

I was raised differently. We talked about Santa Claus - but only as a story, a fairytale, an idea. Not as an actual person. While my siblings and I eagerly anticipated presents, my parents were intent on not allowing Christmas to make us narcissistic. We spent several Christmases at a homeless shelter serving dinner to those who came in off the street.

Tiny Boy's comment exemplifies the odd combination of traditions that we have in our home. Our children will set out cookies and milk. One might even write a note to Santa. On Christmas morning they open their presents - usually three gifts because that is how many birthday presents that Jesus recieved. On Christmas day, we will have Birthday cake and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.

There is just one problem. I refuse to lie to my children.

And they know it.

Every so often they will corner me when my husband is not around for me to pass off the conversation to him. They want to know the usual questions:  Is Santa real? How does it all work?

I struggle desperately with these questions because I want to respect my husband's traditions but I also fear that my children may lump God into the category of mythological creatures when they are old enough to learn the truth (as many children have done before). Sometimes I dodge the questions. Often I change the subject and put it right back on Jesus-is-the-reason-for-the-season topics.

One benefit of all of this is that it makes me more diligent to pour truth into their lives. Intentionally.

They cornered me again the other day but this time my eight year old would not allow the subject to get off-point. Finally I blurted out, "Do you want to know what I don't like about Santa Claus?"

Of course they wanted to know.

"Santa Claus is a counterfeit for God!" I said.

I started to sing.
"You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout -
I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town.
He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"


 I began to explain how Satan loves to make counterfeits - something that looks almost exactly like the real thing. I pointed out the God-like qualities attributed to Santa: omniscience (knows everything), omnipresence (everywhere at once).

There is a HUGE difference, though. Santa only gives gifts to those who earn them by good behavior. God gives to people who do NOT deserve it!

The Bible says:

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior. Titus 3:4-6

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast. Eph 2:8-9

  I explained that one of the best distractions that Satan has is to keep us busy trying to earn our salvation instead of accepting it as a free gift.   At the biggest time of year for gift-giving, it is best to remember that the greatest and most unsurpassable gift that was ever given was a tiny Saviour, wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger. This gift cost God everything, but it cost us nothing.   Whatever traditions you may have, remember this: CHRISTmas is for YOU!
 

*GASP*

I heard that!

For one thing, we've never had much cash for it early in our marriage as missionaries, then as we struggled to make ends meet as "ordinary" people.

Later it was because my wonderful babysitter shared her birthday with the holiday so I felt terrible asking her to babysit on that day!

I have to admit, I spent some of those early years wishing (sulking, pouting, feeling sorry for myself...) that we could celebrate the way that EVERYONE ELSE does! After a while, my husband got tired of my attitude and started dreading the holiday altogether.

It was time for an ...ahem... attitude adjustment.

It was Lexy's birthday that did it for me. I now had a good reason to stay home. (At least it was MY choice.)

So I started a new family tradition with our children. We eat in the dining room on the good dishes. I make something special - including dessert, which we rarely have at our house.

One year I made French silk pie. It is Rich. It is time consuming...

My family did not like it!

But I digress.

Anyway, the kids love the holiday. Hubby tolerates it. And my bad attitude is gone.

It works well for us.

Yet I continued to think that everyone else went out for Valentines day but us.

Until last Valentine's Day.

I was at school for the class parties and two different moms asked me what I was making for dinner. I had not told them about our family tradition, so I wondered how they knew that we were "eating in." As we stood there exchanging recipes, I figured it out! We are not the only ones who include ALL of the special people in our lives, not just our "significant other," as we celebrate Love!

Wow! A new dose of reality!


Yes, you heard me. I said we set ourselves up for disappointment. We imagine a romantic ideal of the way that we think it should go (maybe from a book we read or a movie that we watched of someone else's romantic ideal). We make it impossible for our poor husbands to please us without a great deal of effort or expense on his part. He carries a fear that if what he does is not good enough, he will be "punished" with pouting, rejection, a cold shoulder, withholding of intimacy, nagging, or keeping score.

If he does succeed, his prospects are not much better because he must then meet or exceed the new expectations the following year!

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal... love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy...it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a [woman], I put childish ways behind me..." from 1Corinthians 13

Make a plan. Don't put the pressure on your husband. If you have something in mind for that day, plan it yourself! That way, you will get your dream date, you will have the right attitude, and your husband will be more relaxed. It is the first step to making sweet memories to replace the tense ones.

Happy Valentine's day
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As I washed dishes, my husband flipped through the channels on the TV. He stopped on one long enough for me to hear a woman say:

"Someone helped put a mirror up in front of my face, and I didn't like what I saw one bit. You know what I did? I changed. And that someone was Mrs. Threadgoode."
Fried Green Tomatoes

Those words pulled at my heart because it reminded me of a time in my life when I needed someone to hold that mirror up to my face.

It must have been ten or twelve years ago. My husband and I had been in full-time ministry and left it because we could not raise our support, my husband was struggling to find his niche in the "real world," I had not done a good job of "leaving and cleaving" and was going back and forth between my husband and my parents, we had just bought our first home, and we had a couple of very small children.



I was aghast. "Leave him!! How could she say that! She was supposed to be a godly woman and give me biblical counsel!" I thought. This was hardly biblical counsel in my mind.


I still saw her at MOPS and Bible study and AWANA. I always spoke to her cordially. But I had chosen to end that close friendship. - - And since I no longer had someone to complain to, I stopped complaining and started doing the things that I should have done in the first place in my marriage.


I had a very close friend going through some struggles with her husband. She would call me and talk for hours, detailing everything that annoyed her about her husband and blaming him for her miserable life. She made him sound abusive, controlling, unloving and even potentially dangerous to her children.

...And for the first time in my life, I counselled a Christian woman to leave her husband!

Praise God, my friend did not leave her husband (just as I did not) and today their marriage is much better. (I guess that neither of our husbands were as terrible as we made them out to be!)

Being on the other side made me realize something. Naomi had been giving me good scriptural advice all along! I just had an arsenal of excuses why I could not do those things, or I had half-heartedly tried them and they had not worked. (Duh!)

I had just gained a new perspective - Naomi's perspective on my situation years ago, and I finally understood what made her say it. I was effectively telling her that there was no hope left for my marriage - even though she had been trying to remind me that there was. She said what I needed to hear - - that if I was unwilling to fix it, It could not be fixed. I either needed to "end it" or "mend it."


Yesterday our pastor said, "sometimes you need someone to tell you the truth when you are in a storm... you need to seek out people who will tell you the truth..."

Maybe you are that person in a storm right now and you have a friend giving you godly counsel. Listen! They can see more clearly than you can right now. Do what the scripture says, don't run from it. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it will hurt much less if you face it now rather than later. (I could have continued on that path and had a divorce to deal with along with the issues that already existed in our relationship.I would have simply added shared custody of children, extra living expenses, the  burden of failure - - and STILL had to continue a working relationship with my husband.)

If you don't have someone to tell you the truth, find one! Join a bible study group or call an "older" lady in your church.

Maybe you are the one giving the counsel. Don't be afraid. Keep at it. Don't worry about whether it might cost you the friendship. BE that friend that speaks truth into your friends' lives. You will both be blessed if you do. Even if they cannot thank you now, they will later.

"Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the Word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he had heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does."

James 1:22-25

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It was a beautiful Fourth of July morning and I could see my husband, children, and brother-in-law in the water, although I was a considerable distance away chatting with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law under the cabana on the camper. Suddenly my brother-in-law started running down the dock. I popped up out of my chair to get a better look. He was waving to his Dad who was standing on shore.

"I think they found it!" I exclaimed.

The day before, as everyone played in the water and my brother-in-law wrestled with a tube, he noticed that his wedding band had slipped off. A preliminary search proved unproductive, since the boat traffic had stirred up the mud enough to cause a murkiness that prevented any view of the bottom of the lake. His wife immediately removed her bands and tucked them away in a safe place as everyone breathed a collective moan.
It was decided that early morning was the best time to look again.

After the lake had time to settle.

As soon as breakfast was finished the next day they all headed out to search some more. I don't think that it  took an hour. Probably not even half an hour. It was my husband's turn to dive and he started in the designated area. Just as he dove down, he saw the edge sticking up out of the mud. At first he thought that it could not possibly be the ring and almost chose not to pick it up, but he did.

My mother-in-law's eyes filled with tears. She had been praying that it would be found, saying that the replacement ring does not hold the same sentimental value as the one that your beloved places on your hand on your wedding day. She should know. Midway through their 43 year marriage she had to replace her ring because it was wearing out.

Wedding bands were on all of our minds for the rest of the weekend.

Another sister-in-law told me how her husband has a very hands-on sort of job so his band is full of nicks and scrapes. She said that they talked about whether or not he should even wear it to work for safety reasons, but he chooses to wear it anyway. When we went tubing in the afternoon, this same sister realized that she was still wearing her rings and, unwilling to pass them over the water, she came back into the boat and asked me to wear them for her rather than putting them in a cup holder. I clenched my fist the whole time, I was so afraid of losing them!

I could not help but think of the value that such a small thing can hold. The ancient Romans believed that the ring finger had a direct bloodline to the heart. Even though modern science has proven that assumption to be wrong, it still seems to be the case - the wedding ring does have a direct connection to the heart. Maybe not the physical blood-pumping heart, but it is directly linked to the very core of our being. I have often wondered if this passion becomes stronger for those whose marriages have weathered the storms of long-term illness, endured the loss of a child (especially if there is room for each spouse to blame the other for that loss), or who have pieced their marriage back together after an infidelity. In my imagination, it does seem likely that they might even attach more value to this symbol of their now-stronger marriage.

I thought about how I felt when I lost the diamond out of my own wedding ring when I was Christmas shopping a few years ago. Once, my mom's friend lost her diamond in the mall and found it while re-tracing her steps. I was not so lucky. How awful it felt to remove that important bit of hardware and put it in the jewelry box! Looking at replacement rings did not make me feel any better. I will never forget the day that my husband got on his knee and talked to me about how we had been piling up "stones of remembrance"  in our relationship and that he had another stone. Seven in fact. God's perfect number. What a beautiful ring he had selected  - and what a huge sentiment to go with it.

I thought about my husband's wedding band and how proud I am to have him wear it. He is one of those kind of guys that everyone wants. Not only is he handsome, but he can install a toilet or iron a shirt. He is a great dad. He mows the lawn or washes windows without even a suggestion on my part, and he can produce a four course meal without breaking a sweat. There have been several times in my marriage when I have felt that I must go into "battle" for him, holding up that shiny ring as a banner, hoping it will blind those brazen women (for whom even a wedding band is not always a deterrent) and keep them away! Like the day our hairdresser told me that my husband was so handsome that if she was a few years younger...  (She was also married, and I am sure that it was only meant as a compliment, but as a new bride I went home and told my husband to find someone else to cut his hair!)

Even though the rings seem to be the object of value or sentiment, it is what they represent that holds the true value. While we were driving the other day, my husband and I were talking about a family that we barely know and a second marriage that had just taken place in that family the previous day. We speculated as to the cause of the demise of the first marriage since they seem so amicable. It seemed odd to us that a couple could say that they are still friends, but just do not want to live together anymore.

In his book Two Fleas and No Dog, Craig Hill describes the difference between a contract and a covenant. He says that a contract can be broken by either party, releasing the other person from their obligation, but a covenant is permanently binding - -  so much so that, even if one person breaks their part of the covenant, the other person is legally obligated to uphold their end of the deal! Unfortunately, marriage in our culture is seen as a contract rather than a covenant (or as Mary Poppins puts it, "...a pie crust promise - easily made and easily broken!")

I thought of the vows spoken at a wedding and how the ring is the symbol of that covenant which is only supposed to be broken by death.

Minister: "The wedding ring is a symbol of eternity. It is an outward sign of an inward and spiritual bond which unites two hearts in endless love. It reminds us of the endless love that God has for us, and the example He set before us to love one another. And now as a token of your love and of your deep desire to be forever united, you may place a ring on the finger of your bride."

Groom and Bride: "This ring I give you, in token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love. All my worldly goods I thee endow. In sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth, till death do us part."


But no matter how much each couple means it at the time that they speak it, marriages are constantly crumbling because we cannot do it. We cannot keep all of the promises that we make.

Only God can.

I thought back to a particular Sunday school lesson in a Walk Through the Bible series that my husband facilitated a few years ago.

The teacher explained several different types of covenants that were made in Bible times. He talked about the giving of the shoe (such as in the story of Ruth and Boaz). As long as the other person had your shoe, the covenant could not be broken.

He explained how at other times they would each pour grain or sand  into the other's small pouch, stating that as long as they were mixed, the covenant could not be broken (have you every tried to "sort" sand? It's nigh impossible!)

The final type of covenant was the one that meant so much to me.

The teacher described all of the promises that God made to Abraham and told how God made a blood covenant with Abraham. A blood covenant is one in which both parties agree to something so significant that if one of them breaks that covenant the penalty is death. To make this kind of covenant, a sacrifice would be cut in half and both parties would walk between the divided sacrifice before offering it to God and making the covenant permanent. God knew that this covenant was something impossible for Abraham - that is was only up to HIM to keep the covenant, so he put Abraham into a deep sleep and "walked" between the bull all by Himself.

The reason that this resonated with me was the fact that all of the Old Testament - from the first sin and the shedding of blood to make clothing to "cover" that sin - is  pointing us to the future sacrifice of Jesus Christ for us!

This covenant with Abraham was a symbol of Christ's one-sided blood covenant with US, with Himself as the sacrifice!

"But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy.  He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit , whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that having been justified by His grace we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life." Titus 3: 4-7

 Marriage is also a symbol of the blood covenant. When we say:

"For when God made a promise to Abraham, because He could swear by no one greater, He swore by Himself... And so, after [Abraham] had patiently endured, he obtained the promise. Hebrews 6:13-15

As much as I value my marriage, I know my own frailties. I know that it is possible for me to utterly fail to keep my promises.

That's is why I am SO glad that my salvation isn't up to me! I cannot be the faithful bride of Christ, yet He continues to hold up His part of the covenant that He made to me. What a wonderful Savior!

Do YOU have this same confidence?

If not, please contact me directly so that I can show you through scripture how to have this kind of relationship with God. mailto:latishavanderzon@yahoo.com
photo credit

I am not a very good cook. Shocking, I know, coming from a Martha. Of course I did not say that I am not a good cook - I don't burn things too often or make food that tastes terrible, I am just not a very good cook.

My husband is.

Everyone wants to come to our house for Thanksgiving - and it is not because of me! He can put on a beautifully presented, multi-course meal without breaking a sweat. He is one of those amazing people who can taste something and know what is missing or what would make it better. He can throw things into a pot and it comes out tasting good. I, however, am chained to my recipes.

He has this wonderful recipe for home made spaghetti and meatballs. You start with tomato paste and water (and other things) then reduce it down over a period of three hours. One day I got out the recipe and tried to make it for dinner while he was at work. It did not taste like it does when he makes it.
"It's missing something," I said when he got home, "But I followed the recipe exactly."
I watched as he put in suprizing things like red wine and sugar. "I always add stuff to it." he said.
 "You should write it on the recipe, then." I replied.
"That's OK." he responded,  "I'll just make it on the weekends."
If you read I think I'm in Like you probably figured out that my husband's "Love Language" is "acts of service."

You know that old saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"? While that may not be true for every man, it certainly is true for my man! My man is the kind of man who appreciates a good meal. Flaverful. Savory. With meat. Don't throw a pile of leaves in front of him or a bowl of pasta or vegetabes. Although he enjoys those as a small side dish, that is not a meal. Neither is a cassarole. Bleh! When I take the time to prepare a meal that he can enjoy, he feels loved and cared for.

I like him. I want to keep him. I want him to feel loved and cared for!

...But it's just so hard for me!

One year for Christmas my sister gave him an Emeril cookbook (he has downloaded dozens of Emeril's recipes and duplicated them over the years). In my efforts to be a loving wife I got out the book one day thinking that I would make a dinner that he would love. I looked through the book, noting the numerous prepatory steps and special ingredients and said outloud to no one in particular, "Ain't gonna happen." I haven't touched that cookbook since!

My idea of a good cookbook is 1001 Things to do With a Pound of Hamburger. (Does such a book exsist - if so call me!) I don't want to be bothered with complicated menus - my kids will just turn their noses up at it anyway! If I can look forward to complaints from at least half of my family no matter what I prepare, why should I be inconvenievced by preparing something special?

It is this mindset that has kept me mediocre in the kitchen for years. Now it is time to change. The Holy Spirit has been convicting me of my kitchen mediocrity.

Well, not exactly.

But He has been showing me that to really love my husband the way that Christ wants me to, I need to step it up in the kitchen. And so I am trying. I am learning that it does not really take any more time to prepare a good meal as it does to throw together a bowl of pasta - provided I start early enough in the day rather than running to the kitchen an hour before my husband is scheduled to arrive at home and frantically pulling items from the pantry that can be thrown together for an obviously hastily prepared meal.

A meal that speaks to my husband and says, "I do not care enough about you to put some effort into it."

Instead I want my meals to say, "I was thinking of you today and chose to prepare a meal that would be satisfying after a long day of work because I care about you."

That is why pork loin and chicken cattiatore are on the menu this week. And today?

"Perfect Pot-roast" is in the oven...
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/?s=pot+roast&submit=

I like my husband. Yes, of course I love him. I mean I like him. I think that it is very unfortunate that there is a lot of like missing in marriages these days - and it has not always been in mine. Early in our marriage we read The Five Love Languages and it did not take me long to figure out that we have very different ways of showing love. I have spent a lot of time being offended at things that he did.

Things he did not do.

Things that he said.

Things he did not say...

I tried explaining, giving him lists, and even pouting to get him to speak my love language, but he just does not speak it!

I wasted too much time with hurt feelings.

One day I began to realize that it might not be his problem - it might be mine! I had not seen that I was not speaking his language either, and he was hurting, too. I started to make an attempt to become "bilinguil." I have to admit, there is much room for improvement for me at speaking his language - but I am learning to understand it when he "speaks" it. I am learning that when we drive seperately and he follows me at my conservative speed instead of going on ahead, or when life gets crazy and he does the dishes or cleans the bathroom (I would never aks him to do  such an undesirable task - he just does it. In fact, I have never had to scrub the lime off of the shower doors in our entire marriage!) he is showing his love and concern for me.

I was thinking about this the other night as I sat cross legged on the bed nursing a sick baby to sleep and chatting with him as he ironed his own shirts. What a great guy!

Perfect? Of course not! But a really good catch.

I am glad that I started catching on to this before I really blew my marriage. I would certainly hate to loose such a great guy because I was too selfish or blind to see the possitive while I was busy dwelling on the negative.

Yes, there are days that I still don't like him - and I could pretty much gaurantee that on those days he does not like me either - but most of the time, I think what we have is pretty great.

I am definitely in like!