Mary VS. Martha
Or even the breast feeding mom vs. bottle feeding mom match.
- Get the kids dressed and fed for school. Tell daughter No, she cannot wear her favorite shirt again today. It is dirty.
- Kids out the door. Check
- Make the beds. Check
- Wash the dishes. Check.
- Interrupted by a phone call from a friend who needs to vent frustrations. Try to listen and work at the same time. Pray for friend, get back to work.
- Tidy up the living room. Check
- Read to the children. Check.
- Load of laundry. Check.
- Stop to kiss a booboo. Distract child from pain by asking if he cracked the sidewalk when falling.
- Clean the Bathroom. Check.
- Check, check, check.
Marys are "people oriented" and are more likely to be found "sitting and listening." (Luke 10: 39-40)
They tend to view life through the "relationships to be nurtured" lens: - Get the kids ready for school - they may wear whatever they want - childhood is short!
- Why make the beds? We'll just get back into them later anyway. Blow raspberries on baby's tummy instead.
- The dishes will still be there when I get to them, take a phone call and listen patiently to a friend vent her frustrations for an hour. Pray for friend.
- Why put the toys away now? The babies are still playing with them. Put on music and dance around the living room instead.
- Read to the children.
- Put in a load of laundry.
- Stop to kiss a booboo. Encourage child to cry it all out as you stroke her hair.
- Make note to self: hire someone to clean the bathroom!
Of course I am exaggerating to make a point! I am not unilaterally saying that Marthas lack compassion or that Marys struggle with self-discipline (even though we all know, if we choose to admit it, that this can be somewhat true) These are the things that make us uncomfortable about ourselves. I am simply showing that we are different. And it is Ok because
Comparison is the Enemy of Contentment.
Sometimes we like the way WE are so much that we look down on those who are not like us, judging them for not being better listeners, or for having disorderly homes. So we have little Mary/Martha wars instead of ministering grace to each other as sisters in Christ.
Or not so little wars.
Occasionally they turn into the Heavyweight Championships I was talking about.
This is where understanding that both types of women are created by God and hold equal value in His sight comes in handy.
When we accept the fact that my way is not better or worse - it is equal, it's so much less difficult to minister grace to another sister in Christ. To see her value and even to learn from her!
"But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. For He, Himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility...His purpose was to create in Himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace...For through Him we both have access to to the Father by one Spirit...In Him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." (from Ephesians 2:13-22)
When my husband and I were in Bible college, we took a "personality test" to determine our strengths and weaknesses. I remember the teacher telling us that most people have a combination of personality types, with one usually outstanding. All of them have positives and negatives.
"Jesus Christ was the only one who had a perfect balance of all of the personalities," he said. "Of course Jesus was sinless, so he only had the positive side of each one. The rest of us are always struggling against the negatives and trying to find a balance."
My friend Rosemary is a Mary and she claims it. She might tell you that she has several "junk" drawers or that she wishes that she had more organization, but her home always seems orderly. Calm. Peaceful. She has managed to balance the work with the relationships.
My Grandma Brush is the most amazing person I know. After many years of walking with the Lord, she is so balanced that I found it difficult to classify her. One day as I spoke with her on the phone, I mentioned something about my lists and things and she said that she is a Martha just like me! She gets a lot accomplished each day - yet she always has time to love people. Everyone around her loves her in return.
The idea of learning from each other has special value when you think of the parent/child relationship. It is one thing to simply know another woman with whom you do not relate, but when you live in the same home, it becomes especially hard.
I am a Martha, but a couple of my children are Marys. I am always caught in the struggle of both allowing them to be who God created them to be, and teaching them how to care for themselves and their homes - something that needs to be done whether they enjoy it or not.
This was the only perspective that I had on the difficulties of this kind of parent/child relationship until a speaker at MOPS said something about mothers who are the Mary-type personality with children who are more like Marthas and how they drive each other crazy in similar ways, but with the roles reversed. The child tends to take on the role of "caretaker" because this comes naturally to them. Oftentimes when the mother sees this in the child, she is relieved that someone knows how to do this in the home, and allows (even begins to expect) this level of responsibility from the child.
It is important to understand that this is not a BAD thing! It shows that she recognizes the strengths that her child has. It can also build self-esteem in the child because they understand that they have a firm "place" in the family and they gain confidence in their abilities.
It is only a problem when the parent puts TOO MUCH of the caretaking responsibilities on the child, forcing them to "grow up" too quickly.
The Martha/mother Mary/child can also be a problem if the Mother is too rigid about chores, and does not allow the child the freedom to be creative and nurturing. A people-oriented child can wilt when their list of things to do is too heavy on the "to be done alone" side and they don't get to interact with people.
To have a great balance in the home, as a mother look for the strengths in your children and plug them in to tasks best suited to them. Of course you should teach them to have a complete set of skills, but use them in the areas where they can shine as much as possible!
Once we begin to see that we are God's valued creation, specifically designed to accomplish ALL of his purposes, and when we see others not as opponents, but with the same value, the competition will end and we will work like a fantastic team for the kingdom of God.
Go Marys!
Go Marthas!
Go TEAM!
