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One morning on the Today Show (March 4th), they had a segment in which they showed how some businesses are doing an extreme type of team building exercise. They send them into a simulator for an airplane crash into the ocean. The co-workers must then follow a series of survival techniques which they have been taught prior to entering the simulator, and must work together to ensure that all lives on their team are saved. It is a unique bonding experience, to say the least.

In a "healthy living" class that I am taking at the hospital in which I work, the topic turned to "emotional eating" (the idea that if I am feeling sad, lonely, depressed, etc., food will make me feel better just as it does when I am hungry).
One of the things that the teacher said was that we live in a culture of "instant gratification" to the point that we are unwilling to endure any discomfort (including uncomfortable feelings) so we attempt to get immediate relief any way that we can - including ways that are not helpful for solving the problem.

For the past few days, my mind has been applying those words to the sad state of marriages in our society today.

Around Valentine's Day, my husband and I attended a one day marriage conference that one of our pastors and his wife teach in our church every year. At the outset he read a story about making our lives "beautiful-er" instead of "better." The author defines "better" as a check list, so to speak, of accomplishments. He then admonished the readers to make our lives "beautiful-er." Not just "playing the right notes," but playing them with life, sensitivity to the nuances of the piece, with feeling!

For the past three weeks this has been in my mind, and has governed all of my interactions with my husband.

I love him.

I LIKE him.

He is a precious treasure to me...

Therefore, I want to treat him as though he were valued.

It seems so obvious, and yet, throughout our churches, and all across our culture, marriages and families are disintegrating.  Why? It comes back to the philosophy of instant gratification and the inability to tolerate any kind of discomfort.

We all want a beautiful marriage, but we think that "if it is true love, then it should be easy." That is a lie from hell, but I cannot tell you haw many times I have heard those exact words or similar phrases from the mouths of those in difficult marriages.

If you have ever read this blog before, you know that I define love as "doing what is best for another person at my own expense." I get this definition directly from scripture:

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 NIV

Or in the words of an elderly gentleman to my friend when asked the secret of his long marriage, "Love them the most when they deserve it the least."

And:

13 NIV

When we say our wedding vows, we are so happy with each other that somehow we delude ourselves into thinking that there won't be any "sickness, poorer, and worse." Laying down my life does not mean saying, "I would die for you." It means actually living my life for someone.

So...

What does all of this "enduring" and "laying down my life" have to do with having a more beautiful marriage?

Think about this: we often talk about how we want a closer relationship with God. But HOW do I get closer to Him?

I guarantee that the surest way is through PAIN.

Wait a  minute!!

Through PAIN!?!?!

Who wants to go through pain to get closer to God?

No one does. Yet when we are forced into a place of pain, and we can find no way of escape..

We run to God...

Cling to Him....

Know that we NEED Him.

We discover that the only place we can find rest from our troubled soul - is with Him...

THAT is the point at which we begin to truly have a relationship with Him.

It forces a closer bond with Him - just like those co-workers relying on each other to survive the simulated place crash.

When things are going well in my life... When I feel in control... Comfortable... When I am not feeling pressed on all sides...
I am sad to say that I do not run to Him.
I do not press myself right up against Him. My relationship with Him is, well,

PALE

compared to times when I have felt desperate. The time in my life when I felt the closest to God was right after my baby died. And, even though I would not wish the experience on anyone, I would not take it back for myself because that closeness to God - that absolute confidence that He was with me - was worth the pain!

It's the same way with marriage. The hardships that we endure force a stronger bond between us.

This year I read the book that my Aunt and Uncle wrote about him being the only survivor of a plane crash, the many-months-long struggle through rehabilitation, and the emotional trauma that followed. Walking through this traumatic experience fused their hearts together.

I think of many other long-lasting marriages in my family.

An Aunt who patiently cares for my Uncle at home as he has struggled for many years with Alzheimer's.

 My own parents who have pressed through my Mom's cancer, my Dad's stroke and heart attack, and many other things over the years.

My inlaws, both sets of grandparents, Aunts and Uncles on both sides of our family...
All 40, 50, and 60 year marriages that are in different stages of becoming "more beautiful-er."

This is the kind of beautiful-er marriage that I want...