Reading and Weeping

A couple of months ago when I started reading Angie Smith’s blog  Bring the Rain,  I was compelled to go into the archives and read the story from the beginning. As I read, I could not stop the hot tears from rolling down my face. Although these events took place several years ago, I felt myself praying her prayer requests and wishing for the miracle, though I already knew the outcome.
As she described the agonizing details of the doctor appointments and spoke so transparently about her joys and sorrows, her words penetrated my soul, and I was transported back in time to 2005 when I, too, lost a precious baby.
She shared how, on a visit to Ireland the previous year, she had asked why it is always so green there and had learned that it is because of all of the rain. In a moment with God, she felt Him telling her that the “rain” and struggles in life are the things that bring the beauty and depth to our relationship with Him, so she had said to Him, “Bring the rain.”
“Trials” have a way of bringing a person closer to God. It is easy to forget Him when you don’t need Him for small things.
When life is going smoothly. 
We say to Him, (not with words, but by the way we live)”I’ve got this. I am in control here. ” Suffering has a way of reminding us that we really need God. In those times we feel His comfort.
His healing.
His presence.
His heart.
I thought about the times in my life when I have experienced trials. Looking backwards on those times, knowing how my relationship with God deepened through them, I would not trade those experiences for an easier life. Yet I find myself struggling to say, “Bring the rain.”
I have been feeling barren. Dry. Dusty. My relationship with God needs some rain. But I know what that means because I have been there. I remember how it feels to live there - and I don’t like it!
There is a tug-of-war in my heart. I want to be closer to God. I need to feel His presence again. But I fear the pain. I worry about the loved ones in my life who will have to walk through it with me, even though they did not invite it. And I hesitate…


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